My Dharma

For the first time in my life, I’m at my very own place; a place where I can look back and actually remember where I was before. I can see two steps ahead of where I’m going. I’m no longer blinded – crippled – by the survival game anymore… I knew what I was fighting for was worth it, and it continues to be.

I kept telling myself you existed, even when the idea of you seemed hopeless. I would dream about you – about what you would be like. I dreamed of all the conversations you’d share, the obstacles you’d shake, of all the babies you’d bear, and all the breaths you would take. I’d lay there inside of myself and think of all the people you’d love, the flowers you’d show, of all the granite you’d polish, and the silver hairs you’d grow… and all of the stories you could leave behind. I sure talked up a big story about you to myself, and I believed that one day you would be mine. One day, when I was finally too sick of losing hope to lose hope again, I surrounded myself with all of my favorite things about you and I focused my intentions like never before on drawing you near.

I did a lot of looking around, and I didn’t give up, maybe because I heard you were close… And you didn’t let me down. I’ve finally met you, and.. you feel so good all around me. Just like I imagined you, dancing and singing and polishing your granite. You’re real! There’s some things about you that I didn’t imagine… and I love you just the way you are. I’m allowed to play all the messy games with you, the ones that are hard to play. I know you’re sticking around for the long haul, because, well, I suppose you were never all that far away…

If I’m not to walk this Earth for another day, I know I did what I came here to do because I found you. It is surely the most difficult path I could have chosen. A path that has taken the most sacrifices and has demanded my highest ability to let go… But I wouldn’t give you up for anything, so I continue on this wonderfully fucked up, heart opening, colorful, and most fulfilling path.

Everywhere I look I see you now, even yesterday and all the days before – I see you then. You are so many things, what will you be tomorrow? After all, you are just lil’ ol’ me.