My Dharma

For the first time in my life, I’m at my very own place; a place where I can look back and actually remember where I was before. I can see two steps ahead of where I’m going. I’m no longer blinded – crippled – by the survival game anymore… I knew what I was fighting for was worth it, and it continues to be.

I kept telling myself you existed, even when the idea of you seemed hopeless. I would dream about you – about what you would be like. I dreamed of all the conversations you’d share, the obstacles you’d shake, of all the babies you’d bear, and all the breaths you would take. I’d lay there inside of myself and think of all the people you’d love, the flowers you’d show, of all the granite you’d polish, and the silver hairs you’d grow… and all of the stories you could leave behind. I sure talked up a big story about you to myself, and I believed that one day you would be mine. One day, when I was finally too sick of losing hope to lose hope again, I surrounded myself with all of my favorite things about you and I focused my intentions like never before on drawing you near.

I did a lot of looking around, and I didn’t give up, maybe because I heard you were close… And you didn’t let me down. I’ve finally met you, and.. you feel so good all around me. Just like I imagined you, dancing and singing and polishing your granite. You’re real! There’s some things about you that I didn’t imagine… and I love you just the way you are. I’m allowed to play all the messy games with you, the ones that are hard to play. I know you’re sticking around for the long haul, because, well, I suppose you were never all that far away…

If I’m not to walk this Earth for another day, I know I did what I came here to do because I found you. It is surely the most difficult path I could have chosen. A path that has taken the most sacrifices and has demanded my highest ability to let go… But I wouldn’t give you up for anything, so I continue on this wonderfully fucked up, heart opening, colorful, and most fulfilling path.

Everywhere I look I see you now, even yesterday and all the days before – I see you then. You are so many things, what will you be tomorrow? After all, you are just lil’ ol’ me.

The Grey Area

Here is a place where no answer actually answers anything!  This place is absolutely not absolute!  I find that exploring things without coming to just one answer opens my mind and helps me to become more open to life’s experiences, maybe even find peace among the chaos – on a good day.

Why the “Grey Area”?  My father once told me a story when I was a very tiny girl. He told me about the black side of things and he told me about the white side of things, and in between these two sides were many shades of grey. Needless to say, black and white photography came naturally to me in my adult life – but that’s not what this blog will be about; I’ve tried out that blog… Yeah… Anyway, I can’t recall the situation in which we were in that he needed to use this metaphor to explain life to me, but I do remember his examples being a bit off! The idea stands true, however, that the grey area is made up of things that are right and things that are wrong;  and nothing is completely wrong or right – or, for the sake of the metaphor, black or white – for those who are willing to consider….. willing to live in wonder.

My thoughts about the wonders of life are the only activity worth blogging about that I do on a consistent basis, so here is my blog to kick of the new year.  I invite you to add more shades of grey to my entries!   Great, I can now cross this off of my resolutions list, well… I guess it will forever be on my to-do list now won’t it…. or not? With this first published entry I have done it…. but it shouldn’t ever be finished, should it? Thus, I begin in this grey area!

May 2011 bring us wonder, may wonder bring us freedom.